Long Read, Quick Summary:
- Season Summary: Current Chronic Pain Experience.
- God’s Work: How God Used Pain to Refine Me.
- Prayers Answered, Mercy Flowing: Speaks for Itself
- Evaluation Results: Did My Faith Endure?
- Encouragement: The Truth About Our Stories
Although I have mentioned it in other posts, I wanted to elaborate on the current season of life I am in. I want to openly evaluate if my faith in Jesus has endured through this current season of darkness. I invite you to join me as I audit my heart.
Season Summary
Currently, I am experiencing an L5-S1 disc herniation that is so large that any medical professional who has seen it on the imaging immediately says “OW!” That is not what you want to hear from a doctor. Yes, it validates the pain, but it usually doesn’t indicate that the issue is minor.
For the past 4-5 months I’ve had muscle spasms that would last for minutes, driving me to irritation. I lost feeling in the back of my right leg, the middle of the ball of my right foot, and some toes. If this isn’t frustrating already, the 3 years’ worth of Physical Therapy progress I made in my right leg after the surgery that caused sciatic nerve damage has regressed. My right leg is going into atrophy and I can visually compare the loss to my left leg.
I’m going on about 6 months of this pain and I am finally in the process of getting scheduled for a microdiscectomy! Praise God my doctors helped me figure out pain management in the meantime.
God’s Work
God has done a lot of work in me from the beginning of this. The above is merely a summary, of the main points of what took place. This was a hard road. When this started, my thoughts started to slip down into darkness.
I had gone to multiple urgent cares and ERs, and been denied care due to “the complexity of the patient’s condition.” I felt like I was begging, sobbing for help from the medical professionals trained to help me, only to get pushed off to someone else repeatedly. My flesh kept insisting that I’d live in this pain until I died. This type of thinking clouded my mind so thick that I couldn’t find God through it.
Keeping focused on anything when physical pain is immense is nearly impossible in the flesh. I was devasted that nobody would look for an answer to my sudden pain increase, that I had to visibly hurt in front of my children. I struggled to open my Bible. I couldn’t sit on my couch let alone in church. All I could do was lie down, fake smile at my babies, and watch my life simultaneously crumble and speed past me for months.
Psalms 23, verses 1-2 say:
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures.
Oh did the Lord make me lay down, quite literally! When I was in torturous pain, I ran to man first, not the Lord. I was in so much pain I didn’t think to pray for Him to guide me through the medical process. I failed. Praise Him for his mercy and patience with me! It took many doctors brushing me off for me to turn to Him and ask “Am I supposed to wait for you with this?” A sudden peace came over me, Jesus embraced me so that the pain could clear for long enough that the Holy Spirit could reveal what I was to do.
Psalm 46:10 says:
Be still and know that I am God...
I stopped seeking immediate medical care and started waiting for doctor’s appointments. I spoke with a Pastor and friend of mine about this intense pain I was in. He told me that I needed to ask the church for help. I cringed at that and told him how uncomfortable that made me feel. This kind, straightforward man called me on my pride immediately, indicating that my choices were to let it go or live in this desperate pain. OOF, he got me there!
I reached out to the church and explained my situation. I talked with a couple of people from the care team and they told me they would be in touch with me. I didn’t hear from them for a month or so. My flesh began to panic again. I made myself vulnerable, asked for help, and now I feel abandoned! I did turn to the Lord and tell Him I trust Him, but I REALLY didn’t like this! The Spirit prompted me to remember to be still, so I waited. God inspired me to meditate on 1 Corinthians 12: 24-26 which says:
24 whereas our more presentable members have no need of it. But God has so composed the body, giving more abundant honor to that member which lacked, 25 so that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. 26 And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it.
I began to understand that I was stealing an opportunity for others in my church community to reflect Jesus to me by not asking for help. I was sinning by being proud, trying to do everything by myself, and not opening up to the people I find fellowship with. I repented of this pride and asked Him to humble me through this process. Sanctification is hard!
In these periods of waiting on others, I would distract myself from pain. I would lay in bed, crochet, and watch true crime documentaries. I started to feel pushing on my heart and a sense of guilt inside me. After a week of doing this and the feelings getting stronger, I went to Jesus in prayer, realizing I messed up again! Instead of seeking God’s Word to distract me from pain, I was consuming entertainment about darkness.
Ephesians 5:8 says:
8 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light.
I wasn’t using this rest time to spend time with Jesus, but instead watching about death. Definitely not behaving as a child of light. I prayed and asked, “How am I supposed to use this pain, Lord? What do you want me to do?”
Prayers Answered, Mercy Flowing
I began to start opening my Bibles more and more after this. The fog of pain began to lessen, my mind became more clear. It helped that my doctor provided me with a way to manage my pain. The light of Jesus was coming back into my life, heart, and mind.
Mercy flooded my life and the results of the images were back, revealing the herniated disc. The medical process began moving faster. I heard back from the care team coordinator from church with news of multiple bible study groups who are willing to provide meals. Pain management finally brought me to almost full function and I could go sit in church again with minimal discomfort! My cup overflowed when I could attend church, see my people, and hear that so many people were praying for me.
Evaluation Results
So, the question is: Did my faith endure this season of hardship? I can truthfully answer this with “yes.” Despite getting lost in the distractions of my flesh, seeking help from mere men, entertaining myself with death, and being proud, it never crossed my mind that God is not for me. I never doubted that I strongly believed in Jesus. 1 Peter 1:6-7 says:
6 In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, 7 so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ;
There is absolutely, NO WAY that I would have been able to endure this trial if I wasn’t called to faith by Jesus. He is so gentle and patient with me as I stumble over and over again, learning the lessons He is teaching. If it were not for Him perfecting my faith (Heb 12:2), I would have none in Him or anything else.
The Bible is full of stories like mine. I’m one of the many characters that mess up repeatedly. I’m one of the characters that God uses because I am weak and stupid. He uses my mistakes and redeems them into something bigger and unimaginable!
Encouragement
We are going to stumble through our stories. Jesus uses all of this to make us more like Him. That means that all that we go through is Good for us! I pray you to cling to your faith when you must walk through dark seasons while remembering that Jesus is holding you tightly through it all.
I’d love to hear your thoughts! What does faith mean to you? How would you evaluate my heart posture throughout this season? Comment below!
Thank you for reading! Many Blessings to you!
